Better, better, and more better!!

So the weather has cleared up, thank god. Looks like it will be back to the 80's next week, so the weather man is claiming. We'll have to see about that one. It is still pretty cool out, I think the high today was 68f.

There was a benefit for the local skate park today. WE have been really involved with that, in two weeks it will conclude here at the drive in with Dog town and the Z boys so that should be good. All proceeds from the gate go to the skate park, at 5 dollars a head that should work well for the skate park benefactors.

Lets see, what else is new......Oh, I started studying to take my GED. I have also been looking at schools that offer online courses. I think I have decided I would like to be a social worker. It seems like it would be the best thing for me. It also fits with in my moral guidelines for career ethics and all that crap. Sometimes living the punk rock lifestyle makes life choices difficult. You have to constantly think about how other people in the movement would feel about what you do, and blah, blah blah. Hopefully I can get it together to do it. Then I think I would actually be a grown up, hahaha. That is all for now. Ciao

Crap-tacular

So The last two days have been feeling a little to much like fall for me. It is only august and I had to put a sweater on the baby yesterday, and the day before she wore a hat. This is bad news for the winter to come. I fear it is going to be long and hard.

It has been a long time since my last post. Sorry, I have been away, and well,....Lazy. Nothing really new here. Just boring life on the farm (that is what I like to call the drive in for some reason). The men have been cleaning up the junk yard, I need to take a picture of that before it disappears. What a junk show it is out here.

well that is all for me, I will post more poetry soon.

P.S Sav, that is a definite yes to the coral from Bali, and maybe some sea shells too. TY

Old friends, or foes?

So last night, and old friend of ours dropped by. He really is my husbands oldest friend, and has become mine. He has been very distant, and sort of like, he has no time for us lately. So when he stopped by last night, we thought he would stay awhile. He was planning to watch a movie with us. But was tired, because he had been climbing all day. And I am sure was very drunk the night before. He is always like that, or doing blow, or something. His mom had given him some stuff to give to me. So I can do a mosaic. And when he was getting that stuff out of his truck, I asked him if he had seen my new tattoo. He looked at it, and busted up laughing. Now I think that is pretty crappy of him. He really has made me mad. That is why I am writing about it now. Because I have to vent. And there isn't anyone for me to do that too. He has a lot of behavior I don't approve of, and I also don't say anything to him. He would get so mad, so what's the point right? So, what makes him think that my feelings aren't sensitive. I told him he was an asshole, and he said a lot of people have been saying that to him lately. Now don't you think that should scream something to him. That he can't walk around and be a selfish bastard all the time. That other people have feelings also, and it isn't always what he thinks or wants. He actually said to me "What, you gonna buy a wagon, and travel around with all the other freaks?" What the fuck is that. The Gypsy to me is more of a state of mind, not actually joining a band of gypsy's and traveling around. Although, if I had the opportunity, I am not sure I wouldn't take it. Anyway, that's all.

5-8-03

My breath,
is the only breath.
The sound of nature,
is the only sound.

oct. 21 2001

Troubled mind,
lost friendships,
insecurity,
following a paths,
that doesn't belong,
to me.
Can't seem to find the way.

Hardships of life,
swim around me,
can't seem to find the way.

Follow a path,
find a path,
following a path,
that doesn't belong to me.
lonely,
lovely,
open heart,
can't seem to find the way.

Lost,
confused,
hardships of life,
won't disappear,
can't seem to find the way.

Insecure,
future is lost,
friends are lost,
can't seem to find the way.

think I was depressed or what??

July 30 2001

I miss the green,
the summer warmed ponds,
the youthful nature,
the season brings.
The peace that settles,
I so have longed.

my newest tatoo, and it is very hard to take ones picture without help. 

Two tone

I finished my book this morning the virgin blue I think it was very good, it was a great, Sad story from the women's perspective. It definitely made me want to cry in some parts of it. Tracy Chavlier has a great poetic voice, so that even with out lots of descriptions you can feel the pain of these two women. The main character, I got her. She is so like me in so many ways. That it is so easy to believe that most women feel like that. That their husbands don't always see them. And the fact that she doesn't feel like she fits inside her life, I completely understand, that is me. In everything I have ever written, poetry short stories, or the start of books, the main character is a female who is a trying to find the right path in life. Trying to find home, even if they have lived in the same place their whole entire lives. I feel like that, constantly, trying to find home. There are so many places I haven't been yet. How do I know where home could be, if I haven't set foot on that soil that just screams my name. "Anna, THIS IS IT, YOU FOUND ME, STAY HERE, I WILL KEEP YOU SAFE!" I have always thought that would be Ireland. My ancestors are all buried there, how can that not be home. That is my call to that land of green. I have always thought that is way I can tolerate rain, and cooler tempratures better than most people. Yet I have never been there. Strange that some place can pull you so much, and you have never been there. This place I live now, it is not home it is just where I am. Jake knows that, I think he feels like it is home for him. For now at least. I have never felt comfortable out here. I need to search, I need to wonder. Or I will miss my home.

I often feel homesick, when I am sitting in my living room. How strange. I am at home, my house is comfortable. Yet there are moments when I feel like crying. I long for home so much.

My book (the one I just read, not the one that is now lying dormant on my computer)has influenced my dreams, I had a strange sort of scary dream about my husbands granny, and one, of my ex-boyfriend last night. Strange that reading something can effect your psyche so much. I am so sick of my strange dreams, how a wake feeling tired. How I can't fall asleep the next night because I have been laying awake thinking of my dreams from the night before. Virgin blue, her dreams of her ancestor was always after sex. I know her feeling, when you lie with your man, and then these thoughts pop into your head when all you should be thinking of is him, lying next you, content. Both the women in the book kept small secrets from their husbands. I think we all do that. We shelter them from our thoughts, and think that is better for them. All it really does is push ourselves away from them. I think that is why there are so many divorces today. All these women holding private thoughts inside their heads, for who knows what reasons. Driving ourselves away from our husbands. Most the time they are so unaware of our inner turmoil. They just go about their business, until one day they come in, while you are putting the baby down for a nap. Just crying over your child's head, uncontrollably, yet quiet at the same time. Then they know, and every thing changes. The next day, life is normal. And you feel better. I just think it is strange how certain things can effect us so much, deep down. How a fictional story can hit you in places that real life can't. I guess it is because we live real life, and fiction, helps us remember events in our real lives, that our so like the story, it hurts.

july 29 2001

Troubled mind,
is hard to rest.
------------------

Hopeless,
tormented,
alone,
friendless.
Years I have tried,
to cure a need,
that stems from the soul.
Companionship,
friendship,
one to share one's sorrows,
joys.
endless emotions,
poke their head,
as memories flood in,
of long since thoughts,
of years of torment,
by wenches long since sought,
for friendship,
and condolences,
that turn one sided.
As life weaves,
its unyielding path
for me.

oct. 19 2000

The sky turns grey.
The rain may come,
life will stop,
one day.
Will the sun shine again?
Slow,
Poor,
Hungry,
if only there was away,
to find my way.

May 2000

Melancholy engulfs,
a storm blows,
strong and silent from within.

Fire consumes,
an unknowing desire.
The river flows wild,
with winters seed feeding it life.

Spring is rampant,
life is all around,
yet melancholy,
holds its bonds
tightly around wrist and ankle.

will the fire burn,
so I can read its thoughts.
Or will it smolder,
so the desire dies as,
the light goes out.